Podcast transcript: You don’t like to get sand in your electronic equipment but remain dedicated to keeping up on your podcasts.
The Economist: You love fine print.
Cosmopolitan, inside the Economist: You are Ken.
The Economist, inside Cosmopolitan: You are Barbie.
Cosmopolitan, inside a different Cosmopolitan: You brought two Cosmos to the beach and that’s just fine!
Subtitles: You are watching a foreign film at the beach.
Surtitles: You are watching an opera at the beach.
“ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul”: Oh no! you have the One Ring and have just read aloud its inscription! There are certainly going to be Ringwraiths here! You had better get off the beach!
Three paragraphs of crawl text in the sky that say something about galactic civil war, then get further and further away: You are lying on the beach on a planet that is involved in “Star Wars.”
Enormous stone tablet containing lots of proscriptions about coveting and killing: You are Moses.
Enormous stone tablet containing lots of punishments for coveting and killing: You are Hammurabi.
Enraged clay tablet complaining about the quality of your copper: You are famed Mesopotamian failure of a copper purveyor Ea-Nasir! Also, you are at the beach.
Your phone browser, opened to the WebMD entry for “Sudden Sharp Pinching Sensation to Foot”: Your foot was just attacked by a crab and you are very worried the pain is an incurable disease.
Nutrition information on the side of a cereal box: You forgot to bring a book to the beach and are hoping no one will notice.
Large papyrus covered in unspeakable runes: Once again, you are going to get kicked off the beach for necromancy!
Complete set of encyclopedias Britannica: You are an encyclopedia salesman who made the mistake of coming to the beach expecting to get work done.
Subpoena: You’ve just been summoned to appear in court!
The federal indictment of Donald Trump: You are reading for pleasure.
Suspenseful thriller: You like to be thrilled!
Large biography: You didn’t feel like putting sunscreen on your face.
Print newspaper: You didn’t feel like putting sunscreen on your face or body, but your arms are not strong enough for Robert Caro’s masterworks.
CVS receipt: There is no thrill like savings!!!
Declaration of Independence (back): You are Nicolas Cage.
Greeting card: You underestimated how fast a reader you are.
“Ulysses”: You overestimated how fast a reader you are.
The care and handling label of your garment, frantically: You have just spilled sangria on yourself.
Big stack of bird entrails: You are an ancient seer trying to get through some work that piled up before vacation started.
Long list of names of people at the State Department you consider naughty: You are either Santa or Joseph McCarthy.
A sign that says “MILLER HIGH LIFE” flapping back and forth high above you: You forgot to bring a book but there is a plane flying over the beach trying to sell you Miller High Life.
A license plate: You are not at the beach, you are in traffic.